Transparency…My Testimony…and maybe some Whinning…Can you handle it?

Why does life have to be so hard???

Don’t get me wrong…I know everyone has troubles…however, this is about ME and how I feel about MY life and MY trials…

I just wish I could catch a break. Please excuse me, but I must vent…I mean I feel like I have had more trials than I can stand. I do not want to dump all my junk at once….LOL…I have yet to give a real testimony.

I guess it is fear…fear of what I am not too sure…

I guess I never really had close friends and every time I try to be myself, somehow some way I offend, rub people the wrong way, or just plain scare them off. So why share? Well, I guess now, I just do not care any more…

OK, so here is a short version of my testimony…

Deep Breath…I am already crying…

Since I was about 2 or 3 my life has been one big yuck fest. From years of molestation…I mean was molested by a step sister for years and by several strangers that my Mom decided to stay with when she left my Dad…I had an alcoholic father…lunatic mother who lied and manipulated about everything…lived in poverty, and I mean poverty…I have lived in cars, shelters, the salvation army, you name it. And that was all before I hit puberty.

Now, puberty was even more fun. I was molested by a step brother, lost my virginity to rape, was still in poverty, lived with several strange people, lived in a children’s home for a bit, then met Rob, my husband.

We had a turbulent relationship from the beginning. There were parties, drugs, and lots of alcohol. I soon became addicted to drugs. Then came an unplanned pregnancy when I was 18. Of course, I kept the baby…I immediately stopped all drugs, alcohol, and even caffeine!

Had the baby…now my wonderful, beautiful, funny, strong, and super fab teenage daughter.

We did not marry right away. When she was about 14 months, I started to watch Christian TV. You see, I went to church on and off as a kid and asked Jesus into my heart when I was 8. I always knew Jesus loved me…but I never really knew more than that. So, I wanted more than TV now…Rob and I started to go to church. We got married after 5 years together.

Things went good for a bit…then we began to have problems and eventually stopped going to church and separated. During our separation Rob had a relationship with another woman and was doing hard core drugs with her on a daily basis. I was hanging out with a crowd and doing drugs frequently as well.

Somehow, we got back together after a year and a half apart.

We continued to do drugs. The woman he was involved with continued to call him for two years on and off….which did NOT do good for our marriage. We did drugs together now…again. We had a LOT to deal with. We wanted to break free. However, we had such a friendly dealer…he would front us our drugs each week and we would get further and further behind. We racked up credit card bills and wasted all our money on drugs.

Finally, we met a Christian couple through our daughter. They were SO nice. We could not believe they were Christians! Now, we REALLY wanted out of the drugs, and after MUCH struggle, we broke free…and things were good for a while…We had a miscarriage. I was devastated.

You see, there was still all this junk. We have had MAJOR marriage problems…LOTS of fighting…another pregnancy (now my adorable 4 year old) and another separation. This time we separated for 8 months. We began to go to a church group together while we were separated. While we were going we got back together.

Now, we are still together….but not in the clear…

Rob lost his job in December and our money has dwindled away…it is mid March and we still do not have MARCH’s rent and the bills are piling up and the fighting is in full force. He is working as much as possible and so am I…We can’t go anywhere or do anything…We are even tithing and eating grass most days…

I am angry, hurt, sad, frustrated, and fed up! I yell at God on a regular basis. I want to know WHY me? Why can’t I just have a day that is easy? Why can’t I have lasting friendships? Why does everything have to be so hard? Why can’t we at least get by?? Why do we have to lose Rob to working ALL the time again???? Why does everything have to be a struggle?? WHY???????????

I feel like I am going to break…I just cannot take any more.

I know I should delete this…it may be just do darn real…but like I said…I just do not care…

OK, so there you go…transparent…vulnerable, raw me..

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Posted in: Me, My Stuff, My Testimony, Ramblings, Venting

This entry was posted on Friday, March 14th, 2008 at 11:49 pm and is filed under Me, My Stuff, My Testimony, Ramblings, Venting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

6 Responses to “Transparency…My Testimony…and maybe some Whinning…Can you handle it?”

Christine March 15th, 2008 at 4:34 am

Dear Sweet Lara,

Even if you decide to delete this, I think it’s so brave of you to post it. I don’t think you’re whining at all. You never come across that way.

You have blessed so many people, myself included, over and over again. I don’t know why you’re going through your current struggles. I just know I’ve been praying like crazy for you and your family.

I remember praying for your marriage. Look how far that’s come since then. I know He will take care of you. I wish He’d do it sooner, faster, UGH! He will do it. I know it.

You are an awesome woman of God. You are His precious child. You are loved by Him who knows you inside and out and by so many who have never met you in person.

I wish I could make things better. Just know I’m praying for you.

Love & hugs,

Christine

Dianna March 15th, 2008 at 6:30 am

Christine is so right. I’m another that you have touched through all that you do and you are a human being too. Why shouldn’t you feel like this. I mean I know I have in the past. I have screamed and cried out to God. “WHY does this always happen to me?”. I have even gone so far as to ask this question… “WHY is it that people who are not christian are not dealing with this stuff?” I mean at some point or another we have all gone through this. Believe me you have not scared me off. I’m not a friend who leaves easily.

I wish there was something I could do to help. I wish I could be there to give you a REAL hug. Let you cry on my shoulder.

I love you though. Your my sister and we are a family of God and if we can’t lean on our Christian brothers and sisters then who can we lean on?

I LOVE ya,
Dianna

Heather March 15th, 2008 at 10:42 am

Lara, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am not sure why it all keeps happening.

I know I have a hard time seeing the whole point behind the situations I go through.

Life just always seem to be a roller coaster, one day it is up and the next day it is down, and some how we are suppose to stay steady in our faith and just trust God, and that is a hard thing to do.

But I do know this, you are good at staying strong in your faith through everything. Yes, we all get discouraged and fearful at times, but God anticipates this because He knows we are just human, but even so He is still there, He has promised never to leave us.

Please know that I am praying for you and your situation. ((hugs)) Please let me know if you need anything.

-Heather

Christine March 15th, 2008 at 11:18 pm

Just wanted to say I’m still praying for you. I am expecting BIG things for you. GOOD big things.

Love you,

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Lara March 17th, 2008 at 9:11 pm

Thank you all for the hugs, love, and prayers. It means more than you know…(((hugs)))

Anita March 22nd, 2008 at 8:42 am

You can certainly add another sister who loves you very, very much, who has been blessed more times than I can count just by you being my friend and of course who is praying for you.

You have by no means scared me off. I’m afraid you can’t get rid of me that easily dear – it’s going to take a lot more than this – yep, you’re stuck with me honey.

By posting this you’ve yet again showed me that you’re much more of a women than I am and even more stronger in your faith than I think I ever can be.

I was once told that God will never give you more than you can handle. And trust me … I know exactly how hard that is to believe. But I do try to remind myself many times that it is true. Now I’m reminding you … He wouldn’t.

I can’t say that I’ve been through everything you’ve said but I can definitely say there are quite a few things you’ve mentioned that I have and I’m so, so sorry any of that has happened to you! You have no idea how sorry I am.

However, I’ll say it again, it only proves to me just how strong you really are – and you’re faith – wow, you’re much, much better Christian than I am. I only hope to someday be as strong as yourself! Keep the faith honey cause you sure do have a lot of it! You don’t ever want to change this!

Sweetie – I find myself asking the same kind of questions over and over and over again! That doesn’t mean you’re whinny, weak or a bad person – it means you’re HUMAN. It doesn’t make you any worse of a person than any others. You’re just big enough to admit it as many of us would not be able to do.

I’d like to belive my husband and I are pretty good people and go out of our way to help anyone we can. We are those kind of people who would give the shirts off our backs if you needed it. We’ve practically done it. We’ve opened our house free of charge, fed and given money to several of our friends in our past. I find myself saying – So why is it that we’re struggling? Where are all these people when WE need them. Where is HE when we need him?

He’s there – He really is. We just don’t always see it like we should. I hope you can see He really is.

I didn’t say all that to take away from you … I said that so you see you’re alone.

Please know that I love you very much and I will continue to pray for you. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … I am truely blessed just to know you.

You are one of the sweetest friends I have with a heart of solid gold. Please don’t let life change you. You have the ability to change life.

Please also know that you’ve touched my life so that I’m hurting because you’re hurting.

And like Christine … I’m praying that something is done … but more importantly something is done SOON. PLEASE let me know if there is anything I can do. I sincerely mean that!

I’ll stop now because I too am crying right along with you and before long, my reply is going to be longer than your post!

I love you so much and I know you’ll get through this. You promise to keep the faith and keep praying … and I promise to do the same!

Lotsa and lotsa hugs …
Your true friend forever,
Anita